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How I’ve been feeling today

I’ve been live streaming video games and watching Breaking Bad most of the day. While streaming I felt this deep sense of failure. Not like it was over whelming, but more like I could see how boring I was to watch. I am not very good at the games I am playing and I am not entertaining to watch. I worry I will never be as entertaining as I feel I once was. I used to feel like I was good at improv and keeping people engaged but now I feel like I have nothing to say. Nothing fun or interesting or insightful and I’m worried I lost whatever it was I thought I had. My girlfriend says that she thinks its most likely a confidence issue.

Watching Breaking Bad was intense too. I really enjoy the show and it keeps me captivated but afterwards I feel like I’m full of nervous energy and dread. I felt like it would be good to talk to my therapist about this but I don”t see him for another week and this feeling is fleeting compared to the time I will have to wait. So I thought, “what would my psychologist ask me about this feeling if I were to tell him how I was to tell him about it right now?” And I thought that he would ask me or tell me that it might be some of my old PTSD symptoms coming back. But I feel like its been so long since I had to deal with any of that so I feel like its unlikely. But another part of me feels like it also makes sense with how I’m feeling and what I end up thinking about. And the fact that I am thinking about my PTSD might be a sign that it’s connected.

The feeling in Breaking Bad of being unsafe and trying to protect yourself brings up a lot of my feelings about the same and my minor history in it. I start shutting off emotionally and I get angry. I feel unsafe. I feel chaotic, paranoid, anxious, despairing. I don’t feel well. I also feel like I’m actually living something rather than the usual boredom and false happiness. But that’s probably the depression and the comfort of being in a similar place that PTSD brings. You also feel more comfortable in the place that the trauma happened even though you want to run away from it or hate it or want it to not be.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

Tags: thoughts
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Anonymous said: Stop fronting like I'm suppose to care about some famous rappers mental health. You're living the life, you sound like a pussy. You are on drugs because you like them stop making excuses for yourself and your addictions. I've seen your sad cry for help posts on twitter and think you're full of shit.

nehrujackets:

just cuz im more interesting than u doesnt mean I cant get sad bruh

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I’m going to a poetry slam tonight because I hate slam poetry and I think it’s funny.

"Now I am become hipster, destroyer of liking things genuinely. "

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GPOY

GPOY

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Anonymous said: Can I have your poop?

arabelleraphael:

No

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(via mitsukake)

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Some Thoughts on Political Rhetoric

I’ve been trying to figure out why I don’t like political rhetoric and what I’ve figured out so far is that there are a couple reasons.

One reason is that political rhetoric is not about dialogue or deepening understanding, it’s really just about yelling your point and generally being self righteous. Like when we post one of those various pictures with text over them explaining wealth inequality, we’re not doing it so that some republican sees it and goes “Oh, perhaps capitalism or at least free-market capitalism, is unfair. I shall now become a communist!” Because that doesn’t happen in the same way that a communist is not convinced by a similar image posted by a republican.

I realize that I might not be very clear right now but in my defense I am little tired and generally pretty dumb. But I’ll just say that in my experience no one is convinced by political rhetoric. At its best, its about creating a way to talk for people who want to organize their beliefs or have a consistent language to talk with others who agree. At its worst, it’s just a circle-jerk for people who believe the same things to agree with each other and feel self righteous. Unfortunately, I think most of the political stuff on facebook, tumblr, reddit, some news channels, etc, is mostly the latter kind of political rhetoric. 

Another thought about this that I’ve been having is that we don’t choose our political beliefs because we are swayed by evidence, but we believe what we believe and then use evidence to justify those beliefs, as if that’s why we believed them in the first place.

Having political discussions can then feel really useless sometimes since it feels like we all rigidly stick to our own beliefs and don’t honestly consider ones outside it, (I do not consider myself exempt of this).

Something else that has been bothering me about this stuff is also how difficult it can be to talk to friends about it. Its hard to make clear if you are critiquing an argument but not the beliefs behind it. For instance, I consider myself very liberal and I am interested by gender politics, but some of the lame stuff people are doing online about feminism and gender ends up bothering me. And talking to friends who also consider themselves very liberal can be difficult because to them it might sound that I am critiquing feminism in general instead of that I am just critiquing a certain way of expressing it. So that can be frustrating sometimes. Generally whoever I’m talking to will get what I’m saying eventually but  you have to work through a lot of both sides being defensive and confused.

A recent example of this was the #yesallwomen twitter thing. Even though I don’t think it accomplishes very much (as stated above), I think it was good for people who are feeling isolated or scared to know that there are other people out there going through something similar.  For me, when I first started really dealing with my anxiety disorder, it made a world of difference reading other peoples accounts and advice online. But what I didn’t like about the #yesallwomen thing was that it was in response to the shooting on UCSB. I understand it came out of people arguing over whether or not he was a misogynist, but it seemed really inappropriate to me to get on our political soapboxes when a tragedy as just happened. But this is a general thing: After every tragedy in the US its suddenly the right time to tell everyone on facebook how you’ve got the solution and this other side doesn’t understand. It just seems insensitive to the people directly affected by the tragedy and self righteous. It’s like, the next time someone dies in your family I’ll come over to your house and complain about my political beliefs while your in mourning. Something about it just seems shitty.

Also, there was the few people on twitter for the #yesallwomen campaign who ended up just saying that all men were untrustworthy, which is obviously not a good thing to say since its sexist and all that and blah blah blah. And there was the the Men’s Rights Activists who are always unpleasant and full of seemingly endless rage, and there lame rhetoric against the #yesallwomen campaign that then just seems to turn into sexism itself.

God, I am just so tired. Looking at politics makes me angry and sad and confused and now I am exhausted. 

Jesus, this thing ended up long. But I just graduated college so I guess I have more time and energy for things like this, so I’ll probably be writing more often. But hopefully not always this long and boring for the sake of everyone who follows me.

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kenbaumann:

HOLY SHIT.

What a lovely, brilliant, humane, weird, and dedicated group of people—both the tutors and the students.

First: St. John’s invites you to detonate your intellectual preferences and prejudices, and you would be a fool to decline. Because in order to ask questions as radically simple as…

A great description of how wonderful St. John’s is. Just graduated two days ago and now I miss it.

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A thought I had in language class

I feel like when we say “the world is full of stupid people” or “most people are idiots,” or etc… what we’re really saying is “I don’t want to validate the opinions of people I disagree with so I’m just gonna dismiss them because to actually consider their opinions could open me up to all sorts of self criticism and maybe I’d find out that I don’t actually understand the things I think I believe.” 

Though saying this is probably just as self indulgent as saying the world is stupid but, I guess, who really cares. Tumblr is for venting, pictures of books and cups of tea, and pretty people looking serious.

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bayfood:

Gordo Taqueria (San Francisco, CA) - Beef and Carnitas Tacos.
[source]

I miss Gordo’s more than my family

bayfood:

Gordo Taqueria (San Francisco, CA) - Beef and Carnitas Tacos.

[source]

I miss Gordo’s more than my family

(via bayfood)

Tags: truth food
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I spent 3 years arguing that we cannot know anything, while ignoring the question of how I knew that.

lolmythesis:

Philosophy, UCD Dublin.

This is how I feel graduating St. John’s

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Thoughts - 4/13/14

Watching King of the Nerds, drinking and feeling lonely.

I know my blog is generally a one note kind of experience. I only write when I’m unhappy.

So, I guess I just wanted to say that even though I am generally unhappy when  I write on here, I feel like I’ve been doing alright.

I’m not really all that happy most of the time. But I am trying and I just have to make it through this semester without missing too many classes or alienating my friends.

That turns out to be more difficult than just saying it, but I’m trying, and I am hopeful. At least somewhat.

Something I do know, though: I would not do well on reality television. But I just started watching lost and I feel like I might have done alright on that island thus far. I at least know about carving spears for hunting. That’s a plus, right?

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Thoughts for right now

26 mg of diazepam, and 10 beers are all accessible. It’s not cowardice, though some part thinks so. I’ve thought about it, most have like me. Most of my friends have tried. Nietzsche says the thought at least is a huge relief.
But I can’t deal with the reality of how my father and girlfriend would react. Maybe that’s why I always wish for a cabin out in the middle of nowhere.
I wish I still believed in God. There would be something to reach out to, some ultimate, something.
Calling friends who live nearby, asking them to come out, not very specific in how I tell them. I am a ghost. Not Really, that would be more romantic. Just a fucking idiot. God, if it all could go away though. That would be nice.