There has to be an other because it’s easier that way.
Someone to keep us company and someone we can blame our behavior on.
Anonymous asked: "A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity." Write more! Keep on creating art and shit. People genuinely care about your thoughts and ideas. It would be awesome for you to push yourself and see how your craft evolves. Who knows, it might even help you with your stress and depression if you can break down some walls. Maybe not immediately, but someday. Just hang in there, k.
Thank you so much. I’ve been thinking about your message for the last few days and I think you are right. I’ve been trying to drink less and make more art recently, and I think because of that I’ve been feeling better.
Thank you for writing to me, that alone helps so much.
I have been so unhappy recently. When I think about the future it just seems like it’s either going to be awful or boring, like there’s no escape from any of this. I think it’s why I’ve been drinking more. And when I think about the past I just feel ashamed of myself and pretty much everything I’ve done.
I just feel either depressed or anxious almost all of the time, and it feels like I’m pushing people away.
I’m hoping writing some of this down and sharing it in a limited way will make me feel better. But it might also make feel worse too, like I’m just complaining and making myself more vulnerable for doing so.
I just don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll go back to therapy but I felt like that didn’t help that much in the past.
My brother is arguing on the internet about Marx. My father and him do not want to go to Thanksgiving together this year. And I am drinking and staring at my computer, watching videos of people acting awkward on dates. I just thought you should know.
This may sound pretentious and maybe i am but
my face is numb from standing in this winter but
when the music is off there is no difference between us
and I want that because I want that because I want that, and i don’t want
to be an albatross that never soared high, never
high enough, and being
an artist means you can never fuck up too hard
because you can always make it something more, you can always make
it something beautiful, you can always make it something that’s a sign
for some kind of suffering, and maybe some suffering of everyone,
not just you not just you but everyone
but if it is just you, just you the way it really is then what are you,
and what is there, and what is there left that’s not
just some empty unhappiness gnawing at you, empty and sharp
empty and sharp like some mindless kind of animal,
what am I if not that
What would I be if I were not that
We’re all looking for something permanent
Even the Buddhists have blogs
Camus and his theatre group
It’s all just for a moment
even when we don’t want it to be
You say you’re not afraid of death
but then why do you publish what you write?
Why do you show it if you are so unflinching?
There is a horror there that will never be answered
And you think you have
but I know you
and I know
that you haven’t
and I know
that you probably
I want to disappear
I am not an artist, or perhaps not a good one
and even if I was it would just be a fear of death
or a want to be loved or or or
maybe it’s something more
but I can’t see anything more than that
creation has an audience
I want to know more
I want to see beyond my own
my own my own
I really hope there is a way to make a circle a square using non-Euclidean geometry because there is nothing I want more than to write a math paper titled CIRCLE MAKE A SQUARE and then proceed to prove it geometrically.
On Fridays I usually start drinking around 2 pm but today I wanted to start later into the night since day drinking turns from fun to exhausting pretty quickly.
It was working out until I started reading about this kid from my high school being lit on fire for not being cis. They were on the bus and some kid from Oakland High lit them on fire because they were wearing a skirt.
My school is very small, around 120 kids at most, so most of my friends have been posting about it.
It’s so weird to look at the articles and see people making jokes in the comments. I think it doesn’t seem real to them, and I guess if I didn’t have the connection that I do for this news story, then it wouldn’t seem real to me either.
It’s just so shocking that people can be that awful to people.
To make things worse that kid who lit the other kid on fire, is just 16 years old and is facing a possible life sentence. I think he should definitely see prison time but being put in prison for life, when you could still change so much, seems awful.
And I guess a lot of people online seem to be justifying the kid’s actions and a lot of my friends online seem to be justifying putting away this kid for life, but the whole thing just seems so fucked that I don’t feel like I have any comfortable place to stand.
So I started drinking, later than usual, but still kind of early.