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Thoughts - 4/13/14

Watching King of the Nerds, drinking and feeling lonely.

I know my blog is generally a one note kind of experience. I only write when I’m unhappy.

So, I guess I just wanted to say that even though I am generally unhappy when  I write on here, I feel like I’ve been doing alright.

I’m not really all that happy most of the time. But I am trying and I just have to make it through this semester without missing too many classes or alienating my friends.

That turns out to be more difficult than just saying it, but I’m trying, and I am hopeful. At least somewhat.

Something I do know, though: I would not do well on reality television. But I just started watching lost and I feel like I might have done alright on that island thus far. I at least know about carving spears for hunting. That’s a plus, right?

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Thoughts for right now

26 mg of diazepam, and 10 beers are all accessible. It’s not cowardice, though some part thinks so. I’ve thought about it, most have like me. Most of my friends have tried. Nietzsche says the thought at least is a huge relief.
But I can’t deal with the reality of how my father and girlfriend would react. Maybe that’s why I always wish for a cabin out in the middle of nowhere.
I wish I still believed in God. There would be something to reach out to, some ultimate, something.
Calling friends who live nearby, asking them to come out, not very specific in how I tell them. I am a ghost. Not Really, that would be more romantic. Just a fucking idiot. God, if it all could go away though. That would be nice.

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Waiting for my friend to come
He kicked out his stereo
Angry, he said something like
“I knew I couldn’t hit it
With my hands, so I kicked it”
Smashed pieces of plastic and cords
dangling loose, veins

What am I waiting for?
Arguing with my mother
Over what my future is

I hope they come soon

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Family Restaurant (#1) by Marilyn Chin

Empty Lotus Room, no patrons
Only a telephone rings and rings
Muffled by an adjoining wall
He murmurs to a distant lover
His wife head-bent peeling shrimp
Hums an ancient tune about magpies
His daughter wide-eyed, little fists
Vows to never forgive him
His shadow enters the deep forest
Blackening the shimmering moss

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7:24 PM - 2/23/14

Smoking under my kitchen fan

drinking whiskey, swallowing Advil

Watching TV shows on Netflix

I am stuck with the question

Why do anything if it doesn’t reach beyond myself

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And I am asking that

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I keep trying to remind myself

get it written on my arms, maybe just one

But I just need to remember

I just need to remember

to live alone, if I can handle it

if I can take the wormwood without the honey

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Someday they’ll think I’m brilliant

but what if they don’t?

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I know they won’t

that’s why I have to keep asking

I am complaining

We are all special, right?

What kind of socialist would I be

if this was not true

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It’s not, nothing is, not this at least

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I know this

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"Wouldn’t mind the hanging but the waiting in the grave so long"

Hang me oh hang me

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Constant Ego, everything must be for something

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How do I do anything else? I want to, something else

give me something else

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I don’t need more people looking

but I want them

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an empty life, that’s what I need

I want to want that, I want to be an empty life

and I want to be happy

Tags: poetry poem
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10:18 - 2/21/14

I am nightmarish
Staring at one place alone
I know I say this a lot
But it means something

to me
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I am outside smoking
Wishing I didn’t smoke so much and
Looking at jobs and
I am a failure

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I know I am a failure
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I felt like Kafka got it, that
whatever it is, whatever that is
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I am nightmarish
Standing alone
Hoping that you’ll come here with me
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I am hoping
That you will be here
That you will come here
With me
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There is a song here
But I can’t write it
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There is a song here
But I can’t write it
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My hands trembling holding on to something if I can only hold on to something,
but what is it
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but what
Is it

Tags: poetry poem
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Thoughts and worries about drinking, and a small update on my paper.

I’m really nervous about saying it but I worry I have a real problem with Alcohol. I’m also skeptical of my own warping of whats real with this issue too. I tend to get caught up in how I am feeling in the moment and make promises off of that, that I end up not holding to. Not necessarily out of personal weakness but maybe because my opinions tend to change depending on my mood.

But ultimately, I know that eventually I will either not drink again or I have to come to some much better relationship around alcohol.

My parents are both psychologists. My mother has been sober for I’d like to say 30 years. And my father started not drinking at the same time as my Mom but started again around maybe 1 or 2 years ago, and he seems to have an okay relationship with it.

My brother drinks a lot and seems to go through similar phases as me with it.

I want to stop for a little bit, at least stopping for the week. But I worry about a few things: 1) if I am able to physically. I know I probably having been consistently drinking long enough to have a significantly strong physical addiction to alcohol, but I am still worried. Should I drink one shot tomorrow just to make sure my system isn’t shocked too badly, or should I just take a small risk and stop cold turkey? 2) I feel emotionally pretty dependent on it for relaxation, so I’m concerned how well I will do not having my comfort there. Especially with my anxiety.

I wish there was an easy answer, and most likely to the outside it looks like there is, but from where I am standing it feels more complicated than stopping completely or continuing on as I have been. I want to strike a healthy balance.

My girlfriend and I have been talking about going to the gym, and I know that when I do that it takes away a lot of my want to drink and my want to smoke cigarettes. But we will see if that is actually a practical solution or if that’s just another wishful plan that doesn’t work out.

I am confused and scared. I hope I can get enough support from the people in my life. But not the wrong kind. It’s hard.

fuck.

Also I finished my paper on Jung for my Senior Essay, and I hope it is good enough for the school.

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mitsukake:

instead of writing my paper I am so drunk Rhys flushed his glasses down the toilet I can’t stop laughingt

This is me. I am Rhys.

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I’m keeping this in my paper until my adviser tells me to take it out

"And perhaps why ‘unconscious phenomena are so little related to the ego’ is due to the ego believing itself to be in control. Even when we act erratically we do not say ‘It’s not me who’s choosing to act this way, it’s my unconscious material influencing my actions.’

But if that is true, is there a way out of this? Are we forever doomed to be unaware of the true intentions of our thoughts and actions, grabbing madly at whatever sense of control we can find, only to have it turn to nothing as soon as we look too closely, despairing, looking up towards the sky, hating God, cursing him for giving us such flawed vision into our own natures?

I don’t know. Hopefully we’ll find an answer as we continue on. For now, we will move on to the unconscious..

 

Link

I’ve been listening to my own music recently and I thought I’d share a song I wrote almost two years ago. This was recorded in one take on an iPhone.

If you like it it’s a free download with “name your own price” if you are exorbitantly rich and want to give me a million dollars for one song. I’d be cool with that. Or just download it. I’d like that too.

Tags: music original
Photo
lordofthecage:

Nicolas Cage as Aragorn in The Return of the Cage

lordofthecage:

Nicolas Cage as Aragorn in The Return of the Cage

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poem - 11:08 PM - 1/15/14

I am a

middle class white kid

listening to gangster rap

and drinking scotch that my friends bought me

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My elderly father wants to play video games

I am coming out of my room drunk

2 Chainz playing from the door i didn’t close

It’s like a joke but its not

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I’m worried if the liberals are also racists

and if the Marxists are over thinking it

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I just wish I had cool opinions

Tags: poem poetry
Quote
"Is this dawning lucidity essentially new? I don’t think so. Everyday life always produces the demand for a brighter light, if only because of the need which everyone feels to walk in step with the march of history. But there are more truths in twenty-four hours of a man’s life than in all the philosophies. Even a philosopher cannot ignore it, for all his self-contempt; and he learns this self-contempt from his consolation, philosophy. After somersaulting onto his own shoulders to shout his message to the world from a greater height, the philosopher finishes by seeing the world inside out; and everything in it goes askew, upside down, to persuade him that he is standing upright. But he cannot escape his own delirium; and refusing to admit it simply makes it more uncomfortable."

— Raoul Vaneigem, The Revolution of Everyday Life (1967)

Quote
"Everything is boring and everyone is a fucking liar."

— Spank Rock

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poem - 1/13/14 - 10:38 PM

My mother is always conscious

Even sleeping, she watches her dreams

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My brother is with her, and I my father

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They like to stay awake there

They count the words in your sentences

There is a subtext in what you said that you didn’t intend

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Here, 80 and 22, drink whiskey and get sad

I can hear him play music in his room at night

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His voice is sad, and he doesn’t want to eat anymore

He’ll drink whiskey though

and when my friends come, he’ll leave

and watch his tv on mute

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He just wants to help.

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Look down, that’s where the water is

There’s nothing else to me

Just that water

There is nothing else

Tags: poem poetry water