Poetry, Thoughts, Photos, Songs

Thoughts - April 4th, 2013

I am having a difficult time this part of the semester. I don’t want to do any of the work because I’m unhappy and then not doing the work makes me more unhappy. I have no idea what to do.

I wrote two songs over break. That made me happy. I’m hoping to work on music more this summer. It helps keep me happy. I don’t have a piano here (my keyboard’s broken) or enough time and privacy to really write something.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this on here. I just felt like I needed to share this but I didn’t want to in person or on facebook.

I have no idea how I’m gonna make it through this last month and a half of school and papers and calculas and french and blah blah blah blah

July 25th, 2012 #2

Why write poems when you can kick down people’s doors

and cry in their living rooms? Everything sounds boring

-

Please don’t kick down my door. Okay.

It’s as easy as that

-

everything that is now an image was once lived

but how do you even see that? Everything sounds boring

-

I’ll take a Budweiser and a steak and a show and some ads

I love all of this, I love it all

-

Turn it off, turn it all off

Thoughts, Feb 14, 2013

I have been in this dormitory for maybe more than six months, pacing back and forth between my room and the bathroom. I found some rum in one of these rooms and I stare at the wall where she used to stand while drinking it.

I would like to think I am a ghost but that is far too romantic and does not seem to be true because I am almost entirely sure I am alive.

I have listened to the 24 Preludes of Chopin on this shitty CD I found and I have memorized the way it sounds. There is a piano that was not broken but I can not play anything so beautiful yet.  The smoke makes it hard to sing.

I remember trying to not to talk to myself before but I’m not worried anymore.

Slim, you left your wine bottle in my room but oh god it was a present right?

Art is being afraid to die and I am writing this for you or for what you were are maybe imnotsureidontknowidontknow

-

Watching movies as a kid I was always more scared of the silent scenes than of the loud ones.

-

I wish I was a famous revolutionary but I have nothing I care so much about that I would kill people for it.

-

I am in this room in this dormitory and I am waiting for everyone to come back from class and I will cry where they don’t see me and I will tell them how sorry I am that I wasn’t there when they left, I am so sorry I wasn’t there when you left.

-

and everyone I love is getting cancer and I am hoping I will too but not in ernest and she was upset that I told her at the gun store that I couldn’t own a gun because I knew what would happen and she laughed that I would say that and I laughed that I had said that and I wasn’t lying at all.

-

V, you told me a lie that artist tell lies to tell the truth but that wasn’t in the book so who said it? if it’s pop culture I can’t say it or people will think I’m stupid, I have to quote Kant or Heidegger or sartre or socrates and then they’ll all love me and I’ll write a book.

-

I am so empty and I am so full and I am oh my god oh my god oh my god

groups of threes are always better

-

there is no pure or complete action

if you are being honest

or whatever

-

fuck it

and fuck me

and fuck you

Feb 14, 2013 #2

I am here to make jokes

why are you not laughing?

-

I am Kool A.D.

I am Dorothea Lasky

“I am all root here in the ground.”

-

There are other people awake

for this

-

coming in and out of dorms

flushing toilets down stairs

-

they might hear the music

so I will turn it down

for now until they all leave

-

there is a gunshop not too far

that or a car in a garage

-

12 dollar rum and 3 dollar packs

that they want to get rid of

-

I’ll take you in

because I love you

-

because I am a song

-

and you should repeat that

atleast three times

-

more than that

and it’ll be kind of tacky

-

and you don’t want that

(no no no I don’t)

-

No no no I don’t

August 9th, 2012

I want to write the nocturnes down

onto a bottle or onto my skin

but sheet music is bullshit

-

it is empty and it is bullshit

-

I am not Chopin

and all we ever do is chase

-

I am not the one I want

-

What I am is writing down loves

and that is all it ever is

-

Other people’s children

are much more beautiful

-

because we didn’t

have to love them

Feb, 19, 2013

My piano keyboard is broken

-

I would like to just say piano

but that isn’t true

-

I drunkenly broke some circuits

with one of the plugs

-

and cutting out the audience in me

has been hard, you just have to

give up 

on

being loved

-

i am not so good at any of these things

-

but it’s late and Terri is asleep

and no one would want 

me to play 

anyway

-

and I’m smoking outside

and it just snowed

-

my clothes are all ice and water now

-

and my neighbors are cooking bacon

you can smell in the hallway

-

and all of you are gone

-

and though I can’t be a very good artist

I can be a geographer

-

and one day I hope I can

maybe move up to the ocean

-

and, maybe,

I might

find something 

there

Some thoughts

I hate almost all of the music, poetry and writing I’ve ever made. It’s bad. I always have the fantasy that I’m saying something beautiful and original but when I look back on it I see how mediocre it is. That’s probably the main reason I’ve stopped writing or making music the last couple months. Maybe this is a good sign though, maybe I can change what I don’t like and it will eventually get better.

I think I will start writing on here again. It tends to help my loneliness.

I don’t want to write this Newton paper. I’m considering writing my entire essay like this:

“In some fucking shit in fucking Corollary fucking 4 Newton says hella shit, for instance that like his laws create like a fucking stupid ass shit eating system of stupid ass dumb bullshit. The fuck does that mean right? This is hella fucking stupid ass dumb.

Law 1: If shit is fucking moving and nothing fucking impedes that shit then that shit will keep on moving. You got it? Good. Next stupid fucking law.” And so on…

thoughts

I am bored in all my classes right now. I’m not sure what to do at all. I hate doing my school work and I’m tired of only talking about abstract ideas. But it doesn’t feel as easy as just leaving school. I don’t think being home would make me feel better. I’m sure leaving school would just make me feel worse. I don’t even know if another school would make me feel better. I want to study Psychology but I feel like it would just feel the same as it does now.

August 10th, 2012

The tree in my father’s backyard

covers everything in shade

-

I never went in when I was a kid

an old shack for painting

rebuilt then torn down

-

now just an old idea for a hot tub

growing and spilling out with ivy

-

A police helicopter flies over

and I finish my cigarette

-

I will never go into that forest

-

not until

-

I have no other choice

Show Biz by Charles Bukowski

I can’t have it 
and you can’t have it 
and we won’t 
get it 
-
so don’t bet on it 
or even think about 
it 
-
just get out of bed 
each morning 
-
wash 
shave 
clothe 
yourself 
and go out into 
it 
-
because 
outside of that 
all that’s left is 
suicide and 
madness 
-
so you just 
can’t 
expect too much 
-
you can’t even 
expect 
-
so what you do 
is 
work from a modest 
minimal 
base 
-
like when you 
walk outside 
be glad your car 
might possibly 
be there 
-
and if it is- 
that the tires 
aren’t 
flat 
-
then you get 
in 
and if it 
starts—you 
start. 
-
and 
it’s the damndest 
movie 
you’ve ever 
seen 
because 
you’re 
in it— 
-
low budget 
and 
4 billion 
critics 
-
and the longest 
run 
you ever hope 
for 
is 
-
one 
day.