January 2012
1 post
4 tags
Thoughts
I am getting drunk alone and listening Bay Area gangster rap.
I’m bored, lonely, and a bit sad.
When I was at Berkeley High I was more into the party scene. I got drunk a lot, high a lot, talked a lot of shit, tried to hook up with people at parties, watched people fight. Then I got robbed and some people said they would kill me. So I left. The only place that would take me was a private...
December 2011
7 posts
4 tags
Facebook
All these people with their big fake
smiles
-
Is there some emptiness underneath
or
nothing at all
-
I don’t
know
I don’t know
-
As if it matters
what they do or
pretend to be
-
The people who show
what is real for them
-
its not working out
exactly well for us
either
-
Not that I am glass but
-
I wish I was
1 tag
Dream - Dec 28, 2011
In my dream last night, Justin Bieber was meant to do a show at my college or something. We were in a small auditorium with about 5-10 people in the audience. I was on stage with Justin Bieber. We were sitting on chairs, he was turned away from the audience and I was facing the audience but mostly watching him. He was doing all sorts of “dreamy” and swoon causing movements and...
4 tags
the girl outside the supermarket by Charles...
a very tall girl lifts her nose at me
outside a supermarket
as if I were a walking garbage
can; and I had no desire for her,
no more desire
than for a
phone pole.
what was her message?
that I would never see the top of her
pantyhose?
-
I am a man in his 50s
sex is no longer an aching mystery
to me, so I can’t understand
being snubbed by a
phone pole.
I’ll leave young...
2 tags
Thoughts (Bukowski)
My girlfriend bought me a big collection of Bukowski for Christmas. I’ve been reading it off and on.
I’ve heard people say that Bukowski is just a tough and bitter old man. Maybe. That’s not what I love about his poems though.
To me Bukowski is like being conscious in a city. You see the poverty and the suffering and the way it doesn’t change and the way we don’t...
1 tag
Dream - Dec 24, 2011
In my dream last night, my girlfriend (Terri) and I broke up. I was in some port area that was grungy and overcast. I saw my ex-girlfriend (Leah) talking to an older white woman and I tried to say hi but she laughed and went back to talking to the older woman. I was surprised and hurt because we have been friends since the breakup. Then I remember being in an apartment near the top of a...
4 tags
Nothing says being home like having a drunken argument with your brother about politics.
2 tags
Thoughts (I'm back and a dream I had last night)
I haven’t written anything on this blog in a long time. Mostly because I haven’t written anything in a long time. I’ve been exhausted from school. I have a month off and I figure now would be a good time to start again.
Nothing has really happened since last time I wrote. I go to St. John’s College, which is a classics school, so we’ve been reading a lot of religious...
October 2011
9 posts
4 tags
“4.15— Many grains of incense cast on the same altar; one falls earlier,...”
– Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
3 tags
Oct 12, 2011
I am not going to try to give this more meaning or significance than it actually has. Today is my birthday. I got two packs of Nat Sherman MCDs, a Dreamcast, the promise of alcohol, a lot of notes, and one letter. I am thankful for these, but
I wrote part of my paper on the divine and love in the Aeneid, and then
drank two beers and
smoked two cigarettes and
then borrowed money for
two dollar-menu...
1 tag
3 tags
To be read on the day of my death
I disagree with Camus, suicide
does not mean you are attributing meaning to your life
(though I’m probably wrong about what he said)
-
it is because we search for meaning, when
there is none
-
he told me to observe the flowers
in the desert but
I have found none
-
it is of always reaching out
to love, god, other
but never being rid of this.
-
what will they say?
only that they don’t...
1 tag
October 2nd, 2011
I go outside to smoke and
there is a man walking by
singing the beetles’
when I’m 64 and
I wish I could hold anything tonight, other
than the greek I’ve been avoiding and
-
as I write this my computer is dying so
I’m always looking at the time I have
left
and so I run passed my girlfriend
to her room to find the power cord
but it was with her instead
-
and maybe I am only...
5 tags
Thoughts (Alcoholism, Happiness)
I am so empty. I’ve been feeling it more and more and that’s why I keep drinking. I cannot find happiness or fulfillment. Perhaps then alcohol is my medicine. But of course this is laughable in its alcoholic reasoning. Every addict thinks they need or deserve their substance. We are all just sad and empty people and the more I think about that the more I need to drink. I am unsure if I...
September 2011
2 posts
4 tags
“The business of philosophy is to teach man to live in uncertainty - man who is supremely afraid of uncertainty, and who is forever hiding himself behind this or the other dogma. More briefly, the business of philosophy is not to reassure people but to upset them.” -Lev Shestov
Anonymous asked: so, question for the ages, "is st. john's rigorous?" what's your view on this matter!
August 2011
23 posts
3 tags
A poem long enough that maybe no one will read it
There is some sort of mystery
about life that I am still unravelling
-
Dom tells me about the rave
she went to last night
maybe I would have gone
but I was so tired and
she said she threw up maybe
three times
-
and I’m telling my brother this
as he drinks the rest of my
Rockstar and eats cold
roast beef with Sriracha
-
and leaves to help Austin
move, “Porque?”
“Porque, no?...
3 tags
4 tags
1 tag
WatchI was bored so I decided to do the Tumblr Accent Challenge. Also I forgot to mention where I’m from: Berkeley, CA.
3 tags
My dream last night (growing up)
Last night I had a dream that I was in South Berkeley, trying to head up to the north (I think). And I was trying to walk up Dwight way but there were some kids right before the corner of Sacramento ave that wouldn’t let my friends and me pass. The only kid I remember was a chubby kid, with short blonde hair. The kid wouldn’t let us pass so eventually we starting fighting. It was a...
5 tags
Thoughts (dream, vanity, addiction)
“I can not eat. I can not sleep.” I don’t want to stop doing because I know where that leads me. I would say more if I felt like words could do any of it justice. We see something for a moment and then drop it. But these are people’s lives. I wish that we all had important things to say all the time, enough to give everything some thought. But we keep things locked away and...
2 tags
August 15th, 2011
A quiet nothingness
Like a frozen pond
with nothing
but space beneath it
-
I’m wondering
if i am alive or
maybe I’m somehow
dreaming
-
In places like these
you shouldn’t move
to leave
but
dig into the ice
-
in case there is
something more
underneath
3 tags
Poem attributed to Roman Emperor Hadrian shortly...
Animula, vagula, blandula Hospes comesque corporis Quae nunc abibis in loca Pallidula, rigida, nudula, Nec, ut soles, dabis iocos… —————————————————————- Roving amiable little soul, Body’s companion and guest, Now descending for parts Colourless, unbending,...
3 tags
For the Anniversary of My Death
by W.S. Merwin
-
Every year without knowing it I have passed the day
When the last fires will wave to me
And the silence will set out
Tireless traveler
Like the beam of a lightless star
-
Then I will no longer
Find myself in life as in a strange garment
surprised at the earth
And the love of one woman
And the shamelessness of men
As today writing after three days of rain
Hearing the...
3 tags
Kingdom
by Avraham Ben-Yitzhak
-
The day will fade in my crown
The gold become heavy on my brow
The edges of my coat flow over the marble steps
How the sea moans in the evening’s sad spleandour
-
Night daughter come quietly
Sit at my feet on the white marble
The wind will lift your hair
And your hair is black.
See, the waters have risen -
Sit quiet
Until I say, ‘Rise....
3 tags
Alone with Everybody
by Charles Bukowski
the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.
there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate....
2 tags
August 13th, 2011
David and I watched Mad Men and drank
Whiskey and smoked
Lucky Strikes and we yelled
Swag at the computer
-
And in the afternoon when
I woke up, I felt worse than
before and David still drunk
stumbled through breakfast
and back to his house
-
And today I’m reading
poetry and wondering why I
have nothing
to write about anymore
-
And I decide on a love poem
or one where the lover’s...
Terror of Death
by John Keats
When I have fears that I may cease to be Before my pen has glean’d my teeming brain, Before high-piled books in charact’ry Hold like rich garners the full-ripen’d grain; When I behold, upon the night’s starr’d face, Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance, And think that I may never live to trace Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance; And when I...
3 tags
Thoughts (Grief)
I am filled with grief. I would like to say I had a real reason but I do not. I lost people that I’ve loved. I have lost Leah but other than her no one. She did not die. But it feels like it sometimes. I haven’t seen her in a little over a year. We’ve talked a bit but. I can not find a line to finish that sentence. Not a line. An explanation I guess. We used to spend all of our...
1 tag
New Blog
Hey guys, I just started a photography blog with my friend Ethan. You should check it out here.
3 tags
Thoughts (distractions, how awful we can be to...
I have been preoccupied with avoiding things recently. I feel this emptiness when I’m not distracted. That’s why I go on tumblr, play video games, watch movies, drink, smoke cigarettes, etc. I’m hoping things will be better at college. But that’s a bit about me, I’m always waiting for things to get better instead of trying to make it happen now.
I saw a video of a guy...
2 tags
Drunk at 3 am
I make a plan
to lie on the floor
in my father’s living room
-
and one to drink
until i am sick
-
and when I look in the mirror
I see how ugly the face is
that looks back and I think
I would make a good
art film, a representation
of grief and loss
-
but I am not an image
because they are empty
-
and I remember
maybe more than a year ago
when my brother and his...
3 tags
The Great American Poem by Billy Collins
If this were a novel,
it would begin with a character,
a man alone on a southbound train
or a young girl on a swing by a farmhouse.
-
And as the pages turned, you would be told
that it was morning or the dead of night,
and I, the narrator, would describe
for you the miscellaneous clouds over the farmhouse
-
and what the man was wearing on the train
right down to his red tartan scarf,
...
2 tags
I like watching the show
Mad Men
-
because everyone drinks
too much and everyone smokes
too much and they cheat on their
wives and everything turns out
fine
really
just
fine
4 tags
I still miss drinking
-
it’s only been a couple days
-
but I miss it
-
I miss the momentary
filling of that emptiness
-
I miss the way
it made me hate myself
-
At least then I could place
loneliness on to something
as small and contained
as a can or bottle
-
Now things are more
complicated
2 tags
I don’t want to write poetry
that you need to decipher
to understand
-
I don’t want to write poetry
glamorizing people or places
-
I want to write poetry
that makes you cry
-
I want to write poetry
that you carve into your skin
because all you want is
to become it
-
I want to write poetry
that fills you with grief
-
that makes you see who you are
and what sort of...
3 tags
Thoughts (Rambling, I wish, I hate, etc)
Whenever I sit down to write I wish emotions could empty out of me. I hate the in-eloquence of everything I do. I want my life to be pure beauty and love and art. I wish I could sing, beyond beauty or structure or anything. Just something pure that bridged the gap between myself and others, between myself and love, between myself and something pure and excellent. Arete. I wish my life were arete....
2 tags
An update
Hey everyone, I haven’t updated my blog in about two weeks, so I thought I would share what I’ve been up to.
I’ve mostly been working on music recently, so I’ll post some rough recordings of new songs soon. I’ll also post some of the poems I’ve written and some of the dreams I’ve had.
And I filmed my first music video yesterday. It was for my joke song...
July 2011
44 posts
5 tags
Here’s a fun fact my friend David and I figured out last night:
“If you worked minimum wage in california and lived as long as the average american, it would take you 461.5 lifetimes to make as much money as Sex & the City 2 grossed.”
Anonymous asked: can you expand on why st. john's, for you?
i'm just another who finds your blog fantastic & am intrigued by the school.
i'm just another who finds your blog fantastic & am intrigued by the school.
3 tags
Not quite a poem as much as a drunken confession
Getting drunk by yourself is only depressing
if you realize it
-
You’re friends aren’t picking up
and are having parities
without you
-
Drink
listen to punk rock and gangster rap
And soon enough
you won’t care anymore
-
You’ll realize that people
have been drinking alone
for centuries
-
And there’s nothing
depressing
about history
-
right?
7 tags
“There are more truths in twenty-four hours of a man’s life than in all the philosophies.” - The Revolution of Everyday Life, Raoul Vaneigem.
Anonymous asked: Someone, somewhere really likes your blog, and they want you to know it.
This is the anonymous revolution! If you want to take part just send this message to the blogs you love. It's just a little thing that will brighten their day, and hopefully make up for all the anon hate that is everywhere on tumblr. If you love someone's blog, spread the word. One message at a time...
This is the anonymous revolution! If you want to take part just send this message to the blogs you love. It's just a little thing that will brighten their day, and hopefully make up for all the anon hate that is everywhere on tumblr. If you love someone's blog, spread the word. One message at a time...
5 tags
Thoughts (Ranting, sexism, capital, culture)
This post is an attempt to fight my own superficiality and whatever image I consciously try to create. There are many things I don’t say directly on this blog about who I am. I am not entirely sure why. It will have little organization. Most of my days this summer have been spent playing video games and drinking with friends. Every couple days I take some time to write and read. I have been...
Answers - Cho →
chostar:
chys:
1. Do you feel that you are defined by your actions, or that your actions are representative of who you are? I think I am not defined by my actions because actions are just actions. Sometimes people misunderstand actions based on what they want to believe.
2. Do you believe in a God? Yes but I also believe in Me.
3. Do you identify with any religious group? If yes, please...
4 tags
Thoughts (God, the infinite, time)
Last night I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about a problem in the idea of God. If God is infinite, how can God perform an action in time? We can talk to people, pick up a glass of water because we exist within a certain frame of time. We are born and we die. God is infinite, and thus is beyond time. How could a being that exists infinitely, and thus is conscious in the present, past...