I am having a difficult time this part of the semester. I don’t want to do any of the work because I’m unhappy and then not doing the work makes me more unhappy. I have no idea what to do.
I wrote two songs over break. That made me happy. I’m hoping to work on music more this summer. It helps keep me happy. I don’t have a piano here (my keyboard’s broken) or enough time and privacy to really write something.
I don’t really know why I’m writing this on here. I just felt like I needed to share this but I didn’t want to in person or on facebook.
I have no idea how I’m gonna make it through this last month and a half of school and papers and calculas and french and blah blah blah blah
Why write poems when you can kick down people’s doors
and cry in their living rooms? Everything sounds boring
-
Please don’t kick down my door. Okay.
It’s as easy as that
-
everything that is now an image was once lived
but how do you even see that? Everything sounds boring
-
I’ll take a Budweiser and a steak and a show and some ads
I love all of this, I love it all
-
Turn it off, turn it all off
I have been in this dormitory for maybe more than six months, pacing back and forth between my room and the bathroom. I found some rum in one of these rooms and I stare at the wall where she used to stand while drinking it.
I would like to think I am a ghost but that is far too romantic and does not seem to be true because I am almost entirely sure I am alive.
I have listened to the 24 Preludes of Chopin on this shitty CD I found and I have memorized the way it sounds. There is a piano that was not broken but I can not play anything so beautiful yet. The smoke makes it hard to sing.
I remember trying to not to talk to myself before but I’m not worried anymore.
Slim, you left your wine bottle in my room but oh god it was a present right?
Art is being afraid to die and I am writing this for you or for what you were are maybe imnotsureidontknowidontknow
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Watching movies as a kid I was always more scared of the silent scenes than of the loud ones.
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I wish I was a famous revolutionary but I have nothing I care so much about that I would kill people for it.
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I am in this room in this dormitory and I am waiting for everyone to come back from class and I will cry where they don’t see me and I will tell them how sorry I am that I wasn’t there when they left, I am so sorry I wasn’t there when you left.
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and everyone I love is getting cancer and I am hoping I will too but not in ernest and she was upset that I told her at the gun store that I couldn’t own a gun because I knew what would happen and she laughed that I would say that and I laughed that I had said that and I wasn’t lying at all.
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V, you told me a lie that artist tell lies to tell the truth but that wasn’t in the book so who said it? if it’s pop culture I can’t say it or people will think I’m stupid, I have to quote Kant or Heidegger or sartre or socrates and then they’ll all love me and I’ll write a book.
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I am so empty and I am so full and I am oh my god oh my god oh my god
groups of threes are always better
-
there is no pure or complete action
if you are being honest
or whatever
-
fuck it
and fuck me
and fuck you
I am here to make jokes
why are you not laughing?
-
I am Kool A.D.
I am Dorothea Lasky
“I am all root here in the ground.”
-
There are other people awake
for this
-
coming in and out of dorms
flushing toilets down stairs
-
they might hear the music
so I will turn it down
for now until they all leave
-
there is a gunshop not too far
that or a car in a garage
-
12 dollar rum and 3 dollar packs
that they want to get rid of
-
I’ll take you in
because I love you
-
because I am a song
-
and you should repeat that
atleast three times
-
more than that
and it’ll be kind of tacky
-
and you don’t want that
(no no no I don’t)
-
No no no I don’t
I want to write the nocturnes down
onto a bottle or onto my skin
but sheet music is bullshit
-
it is empty and it is bullshit
-
I am not Chopin
and all we ever do is chase
-
I am not the one I want
-
What I am is writing down loves
and that is all it ever is
-
Other people’s children
are much more beautiful
-
because we didn’t
have to love them
My piano keyboard is broken
-
I would like to just say piano
but that isn’t true
-
I drunkenly broke some circuits
with one of the plugs
-
and cutting out the audience in me
has been hard, you just have to
give up
on
being loved
-
i am not so good at any of these things
-
but it’s late and Terri is asleep
and no one would want
me to play
anyway
-
and I’m smoking outside
and it just snowed
-
my clothes are all ice and water now
-
and my neighbors are cooking bacon
you can smell in the hallway
-
and all of you are gone
-
and though I can’t be a very good artist
I can be a geographer
-
and one day I hope I can
maybe move up to the ocean
-
and, maybe,
I might
find something
there
“And yet if human beings would guide their lives by true principles, great wealth consists in living on a little with a contented mind; for of a little there is never a lack.” — On The Nature of Things by Lucretius (Book 5, Line 1118-1120)
I hate almost all of the music, poetry and writing I’ve ever made. It’s bad. I always have the fantasy that I’m saying something beautiful and original but when I look back on it I see how mediocre it is. That’s probably the main reason I’ve stopped writing or making music the last couple months. Maybe this is a good sign though, maybe I can change what I don’t like and it will eventually get better.
I think I will start writing on here again. It tends to help my loneliness.
Tom Waits always makes me feel like a person again
I don’t want to write this Newton paper. I’m considering writing my entire essay like this:
“In some fucking shit in fucking Corollary fucking 4 Newton says hella shit, for instance that like his laws create like a fucking stupid ass shit eating system of stupid ass dumb bullshit. The fuck does that mean right? This is hella fucking stupid ass dumb.
Law 1: If shit is fucking moving and nothing fucking impedes that shit then that shit will keep on moving. You got it? Good. Next stupid fucking law.” And so on…
I am bored in all my classes right now. I’m not sure what to do at all. I hate doing my school work and I’m tired of only talking about abstract ideas. But it doesn’t feel as easy as just leaving school. I don’t think being home would make me feel better. I’m sure leaving school would just make me feel worse. I don’t even know if another school would make me feel better. I want to study Psychology but I feel like it would just feel the same as it does now.
“A mental disease has swept the planet: banalization. Everyone is hypnotized by production and conveniences - sewage systems, elevators, bathrooms, washing machines.
This state of affairs, arising out of a struggle against poverty, has overshot its ultimate goal - the liberation of humanity from material cares - and become an omnipresent obsessive image. Presented with the alternative of love or a garbage disposal unit, young people of all countries have chosen the garbage disposal unit. It has become essential to provoke a complete spiritual transformation by bringing to light forgotten desires and by creating entirely new ones. And by carrying out an intensive propaganda in favor of these desires.”
— Ivan Chtcheglov, from Formulary For a New Urbanism(1953)
“”Darkness and obscurity are banished by artificial lighting, and the seasons by are conditioning. Night and summer are losing their charm and dawn is disappearing. The urban population think they have escaped from cosmic reality, but there is no corresponding expansion of their dream life. The reason is clear: dreams spring from reality and are realized in it.” — Ivan Chtcheglov, from Formulary For a New Urbanism(1953).
The tree in my father’s backyard
covers everything in shade
-
I never went in when I was a kid
an old shack for painting
rebuilt then torn down
-
now just an old idea for a hot tub
growing and spilling out with ivy
-
A police helicopter flies over
and I finish my cigarette
-
I will never go into that forest
-
not until
-
I have no other choice
I can’t have it
and you can’t have it
and we won’t
get it
-
so don’t bet on it
or even think about
it
-
just get out of bed
each morning
-
wash
shave
clothe
yourself
and go out into
it
-
because
outside of that
all that’s left is
suicide and
madness
-
so you just
can’t
expect too much
-
you can’t even
expect
-
so what you do
is
work from a modest
minimal
base
-
like when you
walk outside
be glad your car
might possibly
be there
-
and if it is-
that the tires
aren’t
flat
-
then you get
in
and if it
starts—you
start.
-
and
it’s the damndest
movie
you’ve ever
seen
because
you’re
in it—
-
low budget
and
4 billion
critics
-
and the longest
run
you ever hope
for
is
-
one
day.