I am in love with sad girls
no, sad people
There is no meaning to this life
there are just nights where you drink
and smoke and listen to sad songs
to make yourself feel better but
-
none of it quite works
-
what am I even looking for?
Is there any resolution?
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God, I am hoping
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Kierkegaard, leap of faith
I love you all, that’s all I have
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and I guess, now
-
that seems like enough
One of my favorite songs - Up the Country by Two Gallants
sitting in my bed.
“there was a time in my life when there was nothing i looked forward to more than sleeping. i think that meant i wanted to die.”
a long pause.
i couldn’t figure out what to say so i just held him and put my face against his neck. i guess i’ve known that feeling too?
“i’m, okay now. yeah. it’s gone. don’t worry about me.”
i do, though.
I write because it feels better than being silent
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I want to tell you about the 10 cigarettes
and the bottle of wild turkey
when my friends leave
otherwise I’d keep it to myself
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being alone is not a lot of fun, I have people but
I am very much alone, nights like these
-
listening to Rachmaninov (a friend
said I would like it) and realizing I’ve wanted
to kill myself,
-
(not to actually die but to at least
have done something for this and for those people
who didn’t know how I’ve been)
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It’s vertigo, you want to and you don’t
living poorly is the slowest way to do it
but it always works, (oscar wilde you’re an asshole)
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and I want an ending, (something catchy)
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but I’m not so good with seeing that
Walk
I took a walk
between night and sunrise
after failing
to sleep for more than two hours.
I didn’t dress warm enough,
and I should’ve brought water.
I wasn’t looking
for anything in particular
just whatever I might see.
Soon
the birds would wake
and present a keen argument
for life.
It’s easy to forget
when birds sleep in their trees
that they’re still there.
Beethoven Piano Concerto No. 5 in E-flat major, Op. 73 -
Oh my god this is so gorgeous.
Up late, drinking, talking with my friend Kyle, listening to punk rock, reading Guy Debord.
And for those of you who like loud screamy punk rock here is a song by Mclusky.
There’s a lot of beer cans in here
because I am the King of beer cans
-
I decide which ones will be banished
to the land of recycling and which ones
get to stay to become royal ashtrays
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Truly I am a kind and merciful King
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I separate them by their different brands
so that they hate each other more
than they hate me, which is nice
-
because I can’t afford another beer can
revolution, days of royal sobriety
-
It’s terrible
The time of three days had passed but Karl hadn’t noticed, partially because there is no day or night in the void but also because he had become enthralled in examining his hands. He had been trying to figure out if he was wearing a space suit but had run into the problem that he could not remember what his hands had looked like. He had in this time begun speaking all of his thoughts aloud to himself without noticing.
“Hands are so strange.” He said. “It’s weird to have a body.” He was suddenly taken by the realization that if he was truly in the void there would be no light and thus would not be able to see, but he could see his hands. The shadow of his head darkened out different parts of his hands depending on where he moved it.
“From this experiment I must assume that the light source is coming from behind me!”
He turned his body around noticing a faint glowing object far in the distance. The object seemed to be getting slightly bigger every second until he could faintly make out the shape of a man. This was his way out.
“Hey!” He yelled, waving both arms over his head but he heard no response. As the man got closer Karl realized the man was doing the same. This gave Karl hope.
“Finally, another person like me!”
As the man grew closer Karl noticed that the movements of the glowing man were not just similar to his own but exactly the same.
“This man is mocking me!” He yelled, hurt. “Do you know who I am?”
He began waving even more wildly in an attempt to mock the glowing man mocking him but the glowing man mimicked his movements exactly.
“Fine. Fuck you. I won’t move at all. How do you like that?” He said, spitefully crossing his arms across his chest.
“He’ll get bored eventually. How childish.” He said to himself.
*
After 20 minutes neither Karl nor the glowing man had moved. Karl had grown bored but he wasn’t about to let this glowing man win. Who was he to treat Karl that way? Did he know who Karl was?
The glowing man was now 20 feet away and as he grew closer Karl could see the man was wearing something like a space suit without a helmet. He couldn’t make out the glowing man’s face because the emanating from him was so bright. The man was now within reach.
“Hey look, I’m sorry about the stuff before but who are you to treat me like I’m nobody?” Karl said and as he reached out towards the glowing man he disappeared like he was a trick of the light.
Karl was shocked at first but then found it funny. It was rather absurd when he thought about it. How could a man emit light? Clearly he was reflecting it from some far off light behind him. And how could this man have helped him? They would have just floated along together. The company would have been nice but it was not a solution and Karl wanted a solution.
Here’s the beginning of a short story I’m working on. I’ll post the rest soon.
Karl awoke to find himself floating in an expansive emptiness.
“How Kafka,” he thought “or Kafkan, or Kafkaesque?”
Over the next few minutes Karl mused over how to describe the experience of waking up in the void. He tried his best to remember his college courses on absurdism but could only remember how pretentious his professor was. He took himself so seriously, he was a feeble old man and his mustache seemed from the seventies. There was a gorgeous girl in the class: dark hair, brown eyes. She was very pretty. Seemed sad all the time. He had tried to talk to her about the class but she didn’t seem to care about the professor’s stupid mustache.
“Maybe if she laughed a bit more she wouldn’t be so sad.” He thought. “I laugh all the time and I’m doing fine.”
Karl continued drifting into the void. Oddly enough he didn’t remember anything else from college. “Did I even go to college?” He couldn’t remember anything else so perhaps it was a movie, or maybe it was a dream?
Karl suddenly came again to the realization that he was floating in a void and that he needed to find a solution.
“I must find a solution.” He thought.
Karl stared skeptically into the void.
“Maybe I’m asleep.” Karl tried pinching his cheeks a few times. It had worked in movies but it wasn’t working now.
“Well I guess that proves it,” he thought, “I am definitely awake.”
Karl stared again into the void
[video]
I love this guy. More here.
Not drinking is a lot of work.
[video]
