Thoughts
I am getting drunk alone and listening Bay Area gangster rap.
I’m bored, lonely, and a bit sad.
When I was at Berkeley High I was more into the party scene. I got drunk a lot, high a lot, talked a lot of shit, tried to hook up with people at parties, watched people fight. Then I got robbed and some people said they would kill me. So I left. The only place that would take me was a private school on top of a church that also worked as a homeless shelter and free clinic. It brought me away from all of that. I met a lot of great people. I worked on how angry I was. Stopped drinking and smoking so much. Stopped going to parties. Now I don’t like watching people fight.
I’m in college now. I almost never thought I’d be in college.
I come off mostly as nerdy white guy now but that wasn’t most of my life. At least it didn’t feel that way.
Nights like these remind me of that. That part of me that I pushed out. I never stopped being angry. I never stopped having addiction problems. I guess I just became more conscious of it.
I have an ongoing fantasy of getting tattoos, or of having gotten them when I was younger, as a reminder. I assume I am going to get more contained and boring over the years. A career in academia maybe. I don’t know how to deal with that.
“Who wants a world in which the guarantee that we shall not die of starvation entails the risk of dying of boredom?” - The Revolution of Everyday Life, Raoul Vaneigem.
