Thoughts (dream, vanity, addiction)
“I can not eat. I can not sleep.” I don’t want to stop doing because I know where that leads me. I would say more if I felt like words could do any of it justice. We see something for a moment and then drop it. But these are people’s lives. I wish that we all had important things to say all the time, enough to give everything some thought. But we keep things locked away and for the most part not on purpose. I wish I could see the depth of things more clearly. My own. Others’.
I had a dream a few nights ago that I was making a movie and I was having some kind of romantic relationship with the woman who was directing it. Slowly she became a demon, at least thats the word that came to mind when I woke up. Now the word Succubus seems more fitting. She became a thing with many long sharp teeth and sunken eyes that were completely black. She is my vanity, my want for fame. My alcohol. My cigarettes. They are beautiful at first and then they are terrible things you can’t escape. Someone in the dream, I think it was a child, told me the best thing would be to have gotten out early.
Yesterday my father said that the best way to live is in a speeding car, but you have to jump out before it reaches the cliff. He said, though, that jumping out was the hardest part, and that a lot of people just go over.
